I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
