I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
