I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
