Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
