she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
