Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
