come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He has the fingertips of a God
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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