The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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