i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
should my penis look like a turkey
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
