Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
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Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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