Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
