best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
