I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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