We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
