So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
