My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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