I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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