I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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