Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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