Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
