I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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