They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
