guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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