ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
