I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
