Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
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started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
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The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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