I just pynch a tree in the face
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
