"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
