I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
