She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Someone came in the potted fern
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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