Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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