And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
