Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
