god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
