I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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