Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
