I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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