Sponge bath it is.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
