I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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