A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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