Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
