If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
