I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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