Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's never too late to be topless.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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