Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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