i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
