when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
