i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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