i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dick very happy bro
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
