I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
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I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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