they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
