he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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