Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
two words...techno handjob
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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