She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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