From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
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Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i think my cat just said my name.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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