you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
