gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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