I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
my poor anus
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
